Very Serious Empirical Research

Okay London. I like you; I’m comfortable with you; We’ve been on a few dates. So now I have a some questions.

1. Why is your lemonade always fizzy? I mean. It’s not soda. Doesn’t the word lemonade mean lemon juice? (EDIT: No, it doesn’t. It just means lemon. This doesn’t change my opinion.)

2. Why is there a rogue fox wandering my street? DURING THE DAY? This is not a joke. The fox is large and could probably eat me. In my search for a winter coat, I will not be purchasing a red one.

3. Why do you call the second floor of a building the first floor? The part where you call the first floor the ground floor makes sense, so I’ll give you that. But the second story of a building should be… the second floor.

4. Why do you spell curb ‘kerb’? I’m just confused by this and have no further comments on the matter.

5. Finally, the scooters. Yes, it’s cute that all the kids ride their scooters to school, but should the parents really ride the scooters back home after they drop their kid off? I’ve never been run off the sidewalk by a fourth grader on a scooter, but I’ve had my fair share of scares with grown adults on tiny scooters. (Did I say the word scooters enough?)

Obviously, London, you have quite a few positive attributes: the beer, the fish and chips, the healthcare, the transit system, the cheap flights to any other European city, the beer.

What I’m trying to say is, I’m free Friday night.

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