All Things Briefly Considered

Alternatively titled “47 Things You May Consider When You Have Too Much Time on Your Hands”, for the clickbait.

  1. You will consider sleeping in until 8:00 AM, 9:00 AM, 10:00 AM.
  2. You will consider not getting out of bed at all, because all that job hunting can be done from under the covers.
  3. Covers? You’ll remember you want to have that cover letter in by 8:45, just so you look like someone with their life together.
  4. You will consider making coffee first.
  5. You will make coffee first.
  6. You will barely get the cover letter in by 8:47 because you got too caught up in drinking your coffee and also reading Buzzfeed.
  7. You will drink more coffee as a reward for getting the cover letter in only two minutes late.
  8. You will feel so accomplished that you’ll go for a run.
  9. While you’re running you will think about That Great Novel you’re going to write.
  10. You will finish running and immediately attempt to write said novel.
  11. You will write two paragraphs, then remember you went for a run and you need to shower.
  12. While you’re showering you will think about what to make for dinner.
  13. You will spend 1.4 hours on Pinterest looking at recipes.
  14. You will decide on a recipe that you have no ingredients for.
  15. You will go to the grocery store.
  16. You will purchase all necessary ingredients.
  17. You will also purchase fancy organic granola bars, for extra sustenance while writing That Great Novel.
  18. You will also purchase chocolate milk, because you ran and stuff.
  19. You will realize you’re buying too much extra food.
  20. You will get one last fair trade chocolate bar.
  21. You will have forgotten your grocery store card.
  22. You will try to remember your partner’s phone number to use instead of the card.
  23. You will not be able to remember because you haven’t memorized a phone number since the seventh grade.
  24. You will guess.
  25. You will guess correctly on the third try.
  26. In your mind, you will shake your fist at your partner for using their phone number instead of yours.
  27. You will try to make a joke about it to the cashier but she will not think you’re funny.
  28. You will wonder if you’re funny.
  29. You will wonder if all your friends laugh at your jokes just to make you feel better.
  30. You will wonder if they’re even really your friends.
  31. You will push your shopping cart into the wall because you’re not paying attention.
  32. You will listen to public radio on the drive home because it’s like you’re still learning, or at least that’s what you tell people.
  33. You will make one very excellent dinner.
  34. Your partner will love you for it and also not understand why you’re so angry with them. (See #27.)
  35. You will watch five episodes of Chopped in a row, knowing you could perform better than all the professional chefs on the show. (See #34.)
  36. You will consider going to culinary school.
  37. You will google “culinary school” and discover how much it costs to attend.
  38. You will watch Chef with Sofia Vergara instead.
  39. You will consider opening a food truck.
  40. Your mom will suggest potatoes as the food theme for your truck, and you will consider naming it Smashed.
  41. You will think yourself so clever.
  42. You will craigslist “food truck” and discover how much it costs to purchase a used food truck.
  43. You will RSVP for that Facebook event with a bunch of food trucks instead.
  44. While on Facebook you will see that someone you went to high school with got a new job.
  45. You will be jealous.
  46. You will eat the entire fair trade chocolate bar. (See #21.)
  47. You will consider sleeping in tomorrow.

Alternatively-alternatively titled “If You Give Christine a Day Off”.

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